


Brahm's Lullaby

by bannanachan



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-05
Updated: 2013-07-05
Packaged: 2017-12-17 19:45:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bannanachan/pseuds/bannanachan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After meeting Porrim, Kanaya has a question for Rose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brahm's Lullaby

Your name is Kanaya Maryam, and you are worried.

You are worried about a lot of things, actually, and you have been for a while. You are worried about your species dying out, and whether you can revive them. You are worried about the massive black dog with superpowers who is on your tail and wants nothing more than to kill you and all your friends. You are worried about your friends, who are acting stranger each day you are on this meteor, and also about your dead friends, despite their being dead. You are worried about what is going to happen when you arrive in this new session, and how you are going to actually stop this flying hunk of rock. You are worried about John and Jade and Aradia and Sollux, because even though they are most likely safe you do not like not knowing where they are.

But right now, you are primarily, overwhelmingly, extremely worried about your girlfriend.

Girlfriend. The novelty of that word has not worn off, nor has the ecstatic joy that accompanies legitimate use of it. Rose is your girlfriend. No additional bashful blank hashtags about it. She has been since she kissed you a week ago, and it has been the loveliest week of your life. But you are worried.

Her fall did little to damage her – that’s not what you’re worried about. You’re not even terribly worried about the reasons for it, since she has since apologized and promised to use moderation in the future. Actually, what you are worried about is why she was drinking in the first place. She insists it was merely nervousness over your date, but you know Rose, and you are certain that there is more to it than that. Rose has been nervous without drinking many times before, so why now? You suspect you know the answer, but perhaps you are projecting, since it’s an anxiety that you yourself are feeling quite dearly.

So, you intend to ask her.

You find Rose in the communal living block, curled up with a blanket she knit herself, a mug of coffee, and a book. It is the most adorable thing you have ever seen, even though you have already seen it hundreds of times.

You are quiet when you walk (it doesn’t pay, as a rainbow drinker, to have prey know you’re coming up on them), but Rose always knows when you enter a room anyway. She lowers her book and smiles at you. “Kanaya. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“The pleasure of your presence is itself a reward to me.” You reply.

She smiles. “Verbose, but unspecific. Do you need something?”

“Not… exactly. I was sort of… hoping we could, ah, talk.”

She frowns. “Is something wrong?”

“No!” You say quickly. “I just… had a question.”

Rose puts down her book and mug on the ground and lifts up the blanket with one arm. You smile and sit down beside her, and she nestles her head into your neck. You would flush, if your heart still beat.

“What did you wanna talk about?” She asks after a moment.

You hesitate for a second, but decide there’s no point in dodging around the issue any longer.

“What do you think of your mother, Rose?” You ask.

She stiffens next to you and you feel for a second as if your heart dropped into your stomach. “… Did something prompt this, may I ask?”

“A few things did.”

“Such as?”

“Porrim.”

“I thought you were getting on with her.”

“I am!” You say. “But I still… she is so amazing, and I am not. I believe that I can accomplish my goal, I can become strong like her, I don’t doubt myself. But I don’t know if I can live up to her, either. Just… she’s so cool. And I’m not.”

“You’re wrong.” Rose insists. “But I think that’s bound to happen, isn’t it? When you’re related to someone, and you look up to them…”

“And that’s the other thing, you told me you feel ready to go meet your mother, but I can’t possibly believe that’s the truth. I know she was – is very important to you, but you’re acting so casual about this and it makes me feel like you’re taking it all very lightly but you can’t be, which means that you’re hiding how you feel and I don’t understand why. Don’t you trust me?”

“What does any of this have to do with what I think of her. Why do you even want to know?” Asks Rose, clearly agitated

“Because I don’t know how to be a mother.”

“Why on earth are you worried about that?”

“Because she did.”

Your emotion shows in your voice and Rose looks at you strangely. You try to put your words together in a way that will make sense.

“Porrim.” You clarify. “She may have rejected the ways of our caste in life, back on Beforus, but she knew how to be a mother. To her friends. To the Signless, on Alternia, and I don’t understand how anyone could do that job. I’m not so foolish as to want to be just like her, but I… I can’t help but compare myself and when I do I just come up short. I couldn’t protect the matriorb, or stop my friends from killing each other. I don’t know what to do, and I thought you might understand.”

“Because of my mother?”

“Because you even have one. Had one, ever. It may have been part of my role on Alternia but it was nothing so… normal, and I loved my lusus but even she – even as a virgin mother grub she was far from a mother.”

“If you’re seeking advice on fertility, I’m afraid you’ve hit a wall.” Rose replies. “My mother didn’t really bare me herself, you know.”

“Fertility is a function, motherhood is… I don’t know. I suppose that’s why I’m asking.”

Rose, still tense, stares at you for a long moment before reaching down, picking up her mug, and draining it of the last of its contents. As soon as she does, she seems considerably calmer, and you relax in turn, but you remain extremely confused.

“Darling.” She says. “You don’t need me to teach you to be a mother.”

“And why do you think that?”

“Because you already know how to do it better than me. And probably better than my mother, too.”

You are taken aback. “Rose, I am not sure you should be saying that about your mother.”

“I didn’t say I don’t love her, Kanaya. But as far as earth standards for motherhood go… at least American standards… she didn’t really fit the bill. You, you and Porrim, you’re practically perfect at it, whether you know it or not. You’re both unendingly patient. You’re kind, and compassionate, and not afraid to show your love. You’re protective. Maybe a little more violent than tradition would hold, but… you know how to take care of people. And you do a remarkable job of it. She, well… she did the best she could, I think. ”

You don’t know what to say. Somehow, despite hours watching her banal childhood pass her by, you had never thought to wonder whether Rose’s mother was… normal.

“Was it good enough?” You ask.

Rose flinches visibly, and you regret the question the second you ask it. “I’m sor-”

“Don’t be sorry.” She says. “You don’t know, I get it, that’s why you asked. I don’t know what to tell you, Kanaya. When she acted the most like a mother… it was acting. And even when I was pretty sure she wasn’t, I wasn’t sure how genuine she was being. I know that she loved me, and I’m sure that some of what she did was… was genuine. But… beyond that. I’m going to see her in a year. And I won’t know what to tell her, either.”

Helplessly, you say again, “I’m sorry.”

“Did you know she grew up without me?” Rose asks absently. “Without anyone, really. Her mother was a legend. Look at me, Kanaya. Do I look like a legend to you?”

You don’t hesitate. “Yes.”

Rose looks up at you and blinks.

“Rose, you are the most incredible person I’ve ever met. You are smart, you are beautiful, and so powerful it scares me sometimes and I’m a rainbow drinker. You survived your universe’s destruction and defeated your demons and became a god and you did it all in less than 24 hours, and there are creatures out there that actually do worship you, and if that doesn’t make you a legend I don’t know what does. And even if it didn’t, it wouldn’t matter, because I love you, and I know that she will love you too, no matter what.”

Rose hesitates for a long moment before speaking, her voice exceptionally small. “How do you know that?”

You pause a moment yourself and then laugh, mostly to yourself. “Because that’s what mothers do.”

Rose stares at you blankly for a second, then laughs, and it’s both genuine and heartbreaking. You cannot help laughing with her, and she pulls you into a gentle hug.

“How did I ever live without you?” She mumbles into your shoulder.

“I have always been there, my love.” You say. “But I do apologize that it took me so long to come to you in person.”

She laughs, but there’s tears dropping onto your shirt, so you pull her closer and stroke her hair. You don’t move from that spot for you don’t know how long.

When Rose sees Roxy for the first time, they will both be harried, they will both be preoccupied, and there will be very little time for heartfelt reunions. But when you come into her house to find her outside and pouring all her alcohol into the waterfall, you nearly weep.

**Author's Note:**

> One of my requests for Ladystuck was a fic where Rose and Kanaya talk about what motherhood means. The person who got assigned to me was an artist so instead I got some really freaking incredible art, which was great. The idea for the prompt stuck with me though so I decided to go ahead and write it.
> 
> Thanks to blooper-boy for betaing as usual.
> 
> As should be really obvious in this case, the title comes from the song "Brahms' Lullaby (Lullaby and Goodnight)" by, um, Brahms.


End file.
